What if I die tomorrow?
If I die tomorrow, I'm going to remember how much time I wasted giving chances to the wrong people over and over. I'm going to remember constant giving without receiving back. I'm going to remember feeling like "the other one" - whether those were friendships or relationships.
The second choice, the safe choice, the greater good. I wasn't the first choice, but I was a choice in the end. They knew that if they chose me, I wouldn't let them down. They knew that I'd be there, I'd listen, I'd care. And I did all of those things. But I wonder - was I ever listened to? Was I ever cared about?
Everything in my life felt one-sided. Everything I've dedicated myself into, everything I've loved. You can only lose so much without giving up. I think that I gave up years ago. I've accepted this world for what it is - and I've come to the realization that, in the end, I will have no one but myself. Expecting any kind of reciprocation became naive, absurd.. you name it. I'd persuaded myself that that's just not what I should expect - and if I find myself expecting it, I'd end up unhappy.
So I accepted being taken from but never being given back. I accepted anything as long as I felt safe. I knew what to expect and what to not expect. But as soon as my expectations became close to nothing, I knew that I'd been doing something wrong. I knew that that's not the kind of life that I wanted to have. I'd hoped that I deserve something.
If I die tomorrow, I'm going to regret everything. I'm going to regret the chances I took and wish I didn't take them. I'm going to wonder how would my life have looked if I decided to follow the walked paths. I'm going to wonder whether what I did was too much - or it wasn't nearly enough.