You wanted something and I told you I wasn’t going to give it to you. You asked nicely and I said no. You asked again and I politely declined. You told me it would help. I felt sorry for you. And for me. Then I felt brave. And I jumped. 

I am confused about so many things. I don’t know what is me and what is mania and, therefore, I have troubles defining my feelings for you. I told you many times that you are special to me and because we met before it all started I know that’s true. I don’t know why I don’t mind your touch but mind the touch of others, why I get irritated by everyone except you, why I can tell you things I never told anybody, why I want you to be happy so badly. Is that infatuation? Is that mania? Is that love? Is it possible to skip the “falling in love” phase and jump straight into love? You say there is something missing and you are right. I am not nearly qualified enough to explore this in more depth but will try anyway. I am aware something vital is absent. Would it be another story if we met under different circumstances? We will never know. Sometimes I find myself struck by the thought and I wonder- is it permanently missing? And is it for our own good?

I don’t know what is me, what is mania and what I will become after I start the treatment for real. What I know now, in the right(ish) state of mind, is that I really care about you. I am afraid for the future so I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. 



Thank you for pulling me from darkness and for taking care of me.

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