Even As If

I was freezing to death.

Yet, at the same time, I was warmed by a presence. A presence so close to me, even though unknown, that I was feeling as if we were always one.

Normally, I would be sick after such a prolonged stay under those win(n/t)er killing conditions, at least my rational self was certain that my body would have to fall sick tomorrow; but one cannot catch an illness twice at the same time. And today, I was sick of her, of her vicinity.

My own conscious self melted itself while she was nearby. No wonder I ignored the chilling touch of the nature, when the stream of her words caught me every time.

Mind over body.

A mastery unachievable and unimaginable not so long ago.

Self-esteem changed for a while, and it was because of her. As if she knew the correct behaviour she should choose within each passing second. Reading my mind and analysing the future approach in its fullest perfection. It was weird at the beginning because I was feeling as if my own mind was jesting with me. As if me, my very own self, was seducing not only me in my own consciousness but even - though we were uneven most of the time - in the reality through a flawless existence.

Even an even man of my specific taste can get used to anything - be it pleasurable or not. And so I did. I fell into despair only to feel euphoria. Was it despair then? Asked my Ratio with regret. I am always regretting Id. On the contrary, one cannot help himself while being overwhelmed by his own intellect.

Luckily, my emotions were primal - as they always have been for everyone. Luckily. Otherwise, I would never be able to comprehend this current situation I am in.

With more than enough time spent with myself, I concentrated upon her again. But it was as if she was with me all the time even while sitting motionless and silent next to me.

"Do you believe in magic?" Not saying a word for a while, she broke the silence. I did not know what to reply. Well, of course I do but not in the way everyone perceives it, and it was too complicated for me to explain to someone with whom I have trouble to concentrate even upon the slightest fact like outside temperature recognition.

Aware of the unaware - in the future that has slid in to the past.

- "I do." I replied honestly. "But, you know, it's hard to explain... It's hard for me to explain... It's hard for me, right now, to explain..." Was I replying, and rephrasing, mumbling as a teen-year old one.

- "Then don't. Let's just enjoy the moment for a while."

Lack of perception is thus regrettable. We were both freezing and slowly fading away from our li(v)es...

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